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Is that firework's? Part 3

The next day I video chat per our normal routine and he doesn’t answer. I send a text and go about my business. Then eventually I get a text and a phone call from someone with his voice and number on my caller ID but the tone and words from this person are very unfamiliar. He asked me, Did you honestly expect me to answer your video call this morning? I responded by telling him of course I expected it, we always answer, he’s the one who thought it important to never lose momentum in our communication. But it seems he must be sharing a room/bed that clearly wasn’t communicated to me. He comes back saying this is too stressful, our conversation will be staggered and he didn’t think that sleeping set up really needed to be communicated given the situation. WHAT MF’ING SITUATION? He says “I love you. I’ll call you later” and sends more pictures.

I’m laying in his home stunned, stuck. I don’t know this person who just communicated to me. This person was cold and abrupt, a totally different person than I had grown to know over the past months.

I’m speechless and frozen then my sister randomly videocalls and sees my face, she’s worried and I can’t get words out what I’m feeling. When the words finally come it quickly turns into anger, I’m shaking and she’s begging me to calm down and drink some water. I’m standing at the sink shaking and fuming letting out all the curses I know. I feel like I'm in a movie where the walls are closing in and I’m in an abyss at the same time. My heart is racing and next thing you know the drinking glass flies out of my hand and shatters in the kitchen sink. It felt too good and I want to do more but instead my sister convinced me to get far away from there before I turn into Lisa ‘Left Eye’ Lopes.

I spend the weekend with thoughts all over the place, while I guess he forgets that I exist.

After returning from a weekend in Dallas he comes to me early the next morning with lots of words. But none of the ones that hold any meaning after the way I felt the entire weekend being left in the dark. He says there was lots of conversation between them, lots of laughter and reminiscing oh and “by the way she mentioned let’s start this divorce since it’s obvious I’m dating someone serious”. I ask directly if you want your wife and marriage back, he’s adamant about his no and regurgitates the same speech about growing apart, different views and that round peg and square hole. My follow up questions aren’t answered with any kind of clarity. And the last thing I want is someone ending a marriage to move ahead with me, no matter the story it will always appear that the new woman broke up a happy home. That’s breeding ground for resentment and not a good foundation for blended families. I have a headache and go back to bed, I have to work in a few hours. Then he takes my car for the service he has scheduled like we’re right back on track.

Later that afternoon he returns my car to swap out for his and is rushing back out for the after school pick up and we say see ya later as if we’re about to go back to our routine. But I’m waiting to see ya later for conversation on moving forward or moving forward. I’m out running errands and my phone rings and he tells me he’s thought about things and he didn’t like how he felt about us over the weekend. He was under stress wondering how angry I was while he was gone because he had PTSD from his ex wife or baby mama destroying his property in a rage and was scared about what I could do to his home. Supreme gas-lighting as if I didn’t have a right to be angry. But that stress is something he can’t deal with and maybe we should call things quits. I’m speechless as I stand in my chiropractor's office.

I spent the week numb, confused and I’m mourning three-fold. It’s the one year anniversary of my fathers death. I'm lost and wishing I had his “look baby girl” to comfort me and it’s the holidays approaching those are rough times as I’m still grieving my grandmother.

As I expressed my pain, hurt, feelings of abandonment and confusion random people reached out to me with two messages: girl you dodged a bullet, and proceed tell me about some of the wild things he’s said or done in the recent past OR I ain’t never seen that man glow as much as he has while you two were together, he is in love with you, it will work out.

You know that game in the hood on 4th of July where you listen to discern if it’s gunshots or fireworks? Yeah I’m confused but listening more intently.

Then Friday rolls around, we’re supposed to be off to our cabin mini retreat. I’m planning to go alone since he’s already paid for it. But my friends are against me being alone in the woods with my thoughts so instead I pack my bag for a road trip to Charlotte.

"Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there."

And here comes my phone ringing, it’s him.

Are you still with me? Here's Part 4


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