I was having a conversation with my best friends. You know, the ones that make you have those revelations about your life? Yeah those.
Well this conversation was about relationships.
It started out as a dialogue about the niceties we share with friends and sometimes acquaintances. I had noted that in recent trips certain cares weren't extended to me as to others, or at least it didn't feel that way.
It makes me feel left out and alone.
I feel that way quite often.
And decided I need to get to the bottom of this. I asked a sister friend and prior travel mate about why she perceives I am ignored...ignored for lack of a term that's less loving. She responded "You're so easy and laid back that people assume you are always good"
Now here's the thing. I've always seen myself as an effective communicator. I will tell you when I'm upset, ill, uncomfortable or disagreeable.
Apparently, simply communicating is not enough.
In this conversation, I learned "you make life look easy, even when it's rough as hell"
Aint. That. Some. Shit.
The past year these horrible pains and flare ups have had me complaining and crying endlessly or what seemed or felt like ad nauseam. But it wasn't enough. The people around me felt that since I didn't complain daily and continued going through life and travel that I had miracolously been healed. Here's the thing, I stopped complaining cause it felt like no one listened or cared. And they didn't ask because I wasn't complaining.
So what happens?
I end up depressed. Feeling unloved and alone.
Unloved and alone. Now here's where we get to the part that we blame our current state on our childhood.
I'm pretty sure I was loved as a child. But I never felt loved.
Yes, there is a difference.
There's this thing about love. Especially as a child, when without a doubt you know and feel loved. You are invincible.
Works the same with adulthood.
So if you aren't invincible, then you feel conquerable.
Maybe this blog post should be titled Conquerable. But we all know I'm surely not that. I love people in a way that they are motivated, energized, supported and yes feeling invincible.
I just require it return.